I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
