So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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