I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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