It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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