I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
