mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
