Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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