just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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