drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
