So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize