Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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