Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
