I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
