she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
