i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
