I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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