A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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