Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
