So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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