you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
this just has baby written all over it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
