i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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