Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
