i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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