sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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