you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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