Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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