when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
