i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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