I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
