i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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