so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
