I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
