I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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