I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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