i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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