i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
