My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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