he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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