Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize