so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
