all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
