Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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