Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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