and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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