I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
