oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
