I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
