the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
being pregnant is like rehab
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
