My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
