Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
