allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
