Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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