I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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