im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
