this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
