tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
