I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
