If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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