I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my being single is dangerous.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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