And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When did angry sex become our thing?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize