these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
