Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I am morally bankrupt
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
